I used to think I was destined for great things. There is a name for that - Delusions of Grandeur. Reality has finally sunk it. Reality sucks. Badly. Maybe it was a rocky delusion. Perhaps it came and went. I don't really know when it started. Ok, I'm lying, I know. The first time I didn't die was when it started. I was 12. Although I didn't realize it right away - it took years for that to build up.
I won't bore you with the details but a childhood illness left me fat, angry & depressed. For years I blamed my mom for not letting me die. By the time I was in my late teens I figured if I hadn't died, I must have been saved for something great. Enter car accident #1. The car was totalled and yet, not a scratch on me. Here's where I'm starting to wonder that greatness must be headed my way. Still, years go by and nothing. What the hell? College comes and goes. Nothing, but I'm having a great time so no worries. Enter car accident #2. This one's not so bad. I can let it slide as just a warning.
Graduation. Real world. Crap. This part is not fun at all but greatness must be around the corner. I can feel it. New York City is my playground. It's waiting for me to conquer it. Nope. Not so much. Enter car accident #3. This one, well, not so good. But damn angels must be flying all around me. The car is a goner. We rolled a few times - I'm all banged up, broken rib here, puncture wound there but I'm generally ok. Do you know why? I'm destined for greater things! Those angels were all over me because there's no way with all of these things happening I can still be fine. Greatness is getting closer. I can feel it! Um, where are you greatness?
I'm still waiting. It hasn't happened the way I planned and then I realized that I was waiting for great happy, wonderful, joyous things. Sure, I got greatness all right. I got great pain, great debt, great drama, great bad luck, great miserable jobs & now I bequeath myself a great big pity party. I'd have myself a big glass of wine but I'd get a great migraine.
Melissa - Good for you for stepping out of your comfort zone to talk about this. I am sure it wasn't easy but I promise it will get easier.
ReplyDeleteGirl - you and I definitely have some things in common! In my lifetime I have been in 3 car accidents and too many to count mis-haps. (I once backed out of an Atm and right into a light pole - duh!) Luckily, myself and the other parties have never been injured and for that, I am very thankful.
I have also had many, many jobs (16 to be exact) and most of them were horrible; long hours, crazy drama, unhealthy working conditions, etc. etc.
Here's where the annoying "pep talk" begins so get ready. :)
I guess I sort of have always just figured that they were lessons to make me appreciate life and the people in it. However, it's normal to sometimes question and wonder, "What the heck?" or "Why me?" Everything you are feeling is normal and we all go through it at one point or another.
For me, I learned some pretty great lessons. Life is really what you make of it. It's dealing with the sometimes crappy hand of cards you are dealt with so that you can gain the strength and lessons to create the life YOU want for yourself.
It is SO important for you to know that those things - the illnesses, the accidents, the jobs - they had nothing to do with YOU personally and (sadly) they may not even be a pre-cursor for something grand or even great around the corner. However, (and now I am getting real deep...or maybe even more annoying)
Today and everything that is in your world is ALL up to you. Sure, circumstances that you may not have any control of may pop up but the people/creatures/experiences/activities in your life are what will get you through anything. (that and writing - at least for me it works wonders!)
On a side note, I think you are an AMAZING person. You have this ability to fill a room or any situation or experience with laughter and fun - did you know that about yourself?
Keep writing!
Malissa
Oooh you're my first comment. I didn't know I had one. :o] Screw that crappy hand - I want a new deck - I'm searching for the damn card store right now....
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